Reality Check

I have not been shopping for clothes in...a while. Its of course due to my not losing weight. I really need to lose about 50 lbs. I have been wating to do this for some time now. I even tried weight watchers before the wedding. I took what I learned from weight watchers and I have tried to apply it to my daily food intake. Obviously I am not trying that hard but the things I learned are constantly in the back of my mind. Anyway, this really is a funny story... So today, I went to Target to get some food for lunch (healthy food of course) and I thought, why not browse the clothes section. I tried on about 10 things. A few were ok, but I didnt LOVE anything. I really cannot actually purchase any item without a friend there to tell me that it looks good. So everything went back. But, before I could take it back, I had to get it off my body. Have you ever had that moment when you have been able to get a shirt on, and you cannot get it off?? I had that moment 3 times today. I almost got to the point with one shirt where I thought I should scream for help. Arms over my head and everything. I even tried to reach for my phone so that I could document the trauma with a photo. Then I relized, I dont want that memory. I finally got the darn thing off and my face was a lovely shade of redish pink. I was exhausted! And then to not even buy anything...its a tad sad if you ask me. But, the good thing that happened to me in that dressing room was this...I must get back to thinking about my health. After the very recent and unexpected death of one of my bosses, I have been relaizing that there is more to this life that I am not experiencing because of my weight. And I dont want to live this way anymore. My boss and 2 fellow co-workers have recently joined a gym together. I passed on the opportunity. I have been the girl who spends money every month on a gym membership, only to stop going after about 4 visits. I am not sure what is going to work for me. I know I am a very unmotivated person just in general. Not just with exercising but with about everything. I need to figure out what will work for me and do it. I know Mark will do whatever I want. He is easy that way. I just need to get there. Somehow. My Mom mentions to me that she is afraid of what will happen when I get pregnant. I cant afford to gain anymore weight on my 5 foot frame. I know this deep down in my knower. I just dont like to think about it. This last weekend My Mom and I went to a womens confrence. Beth Moore was the speaker and she is fantastic. The entire weekend was based on Psalm 37. It was about the desires of our heart and how we deserve those things and how God wants us to have those things. We just have to lay them out before him and he will answer our prayers. I know we dont always get what we want, but I need to re-think what the desires of my heart are. Over a year ago, the answer would have been marriage. I got that. I finally got that, and I am married to the man I have been in love with for over 10 years. I also know that I want to be a MOM. More than almost anything in this world I want to know what it feels like to be a Mom. To raise a child and lead them in the way that they should go. After todays debacle in the Target dressing room, I realize that my health should be a desire of my heart. Meaning, taking care of myself, should be my desire. God wants me to take care of this body. And I have failed him. So I am going to take all of the circumstances of the last week, and turn my heart around. Get to know what is truly important. Give God my desires no matter how small.